Wednesday, October 5, 2011


"Dear God" I heard Brian say as he began nightly prayers with the kids and I stood nearby in the bathroom scrubbing a toilet.

Tears sprung to my eyes. Prayers are my favorite time of the night. I put down the brush and stood in the doorway with my hands crossed. All three of my angels turned to me and smiled and they continued their prayers. Tears streamed down my cheeks. No one even flinched. My kids have seen my cry more in the past 2 months than ever before. Its almost normal for them.

They prayed for our friends who are bringing home one of the premature, month old twins Friday. I cried some more.

Then Brian prayed for me. Both kids watched me. My lips quivered. My hands, still folded, shook. My cheeks wet. My eyes overflowing. He asked God to take care of me. To help me be strong. To be with me tomorrow. To help to doctors take away mommy's cancer.

We finished the way we finish every prayer..."We pray for World Peace, Barack Obama, the Chicago Bears, and the Chicago Cubs" I smiled. I love that part.

I kissed all three of them and doted on them and held each of their faces. I walked back to the bathroom and picked up the brush. Cleaning still needed to be done. The world keeps turning. Toilets still need to be scrubbed and laundry still needs to be folded. Everything stopped for just that moment and it was lovely....

What a journey this has been for me. From the decision to have the leasion looked at, to the diagnosis, to making fun of myself and this situation, to telling the kids, to the doctors appointments, to, to,, what a ride!

I've had every emotion you can think of. Sadness, guilt, joy, panic, contentment, anger. I have prayed more than ever in my life. I have leaked tears from my eyes for days on ends and sobbed uncontrollably for no specific reason. I have laughed harder then ever before.

Most of the last 50+days have been dramatic...I don't really expect anything less. Those who know me know I can bring that element to a situation just by being present in it. This thing has made me more emotional, more on edge, more driven, more focused at times and scatterbrained at others, more insecure, more sensative, more caring, more compassionate, more full of life.

Just a simple photo shoot with the kids in the front yard could leave me on my knees in tears or a day with my husband alone could leave me feeling more full of love than ever imaginable. I've actually tried to be aware of my drama and lay low but all thats really done is make people wonder more what's wrong with me. Where to possibly start?

Its 11:20PM the night before. Everyone else is asleep. I still have loads of laundry to fold and cleaning supplies to pick up and a basement to vacuum before I leave in the morning. I've had a great day though. I got nothing accomplished at all. But...I got to spend time with some of my favorite people. I was loved. I was comforted. I was held. I cried. I giggled. I was spoiled rotten with gifts. I forgot for a moment.

I've found I feel safest in the presence of those who grant me Grace. Who know me for who I am and love me anyway. And I've learned that there are more people that fit in that catagory than I thought. I was held tight today and whispered to that everything would be OK and to trust. I was brought pizza and had help dusting my entire first floor. I was texted and called countless times. But still there is such anticipation. Such anxiety.

I'm really ready for this to be over. Ready to move on. Ready to stop crying and start over. But I'm a bit different now. Not quite sure what the changes are but I know that I will never be the same. I've found parts of myself I wasn't aware of. I've looked into the eyes of others and seen myself. I've found a piece to my puzzle and I'm trying to make everything else fit together around it. I'm learning to be by myself. To ask for help. To enjoy the friendship and companionship of different people. I'm trusting. I'm listening. Maybe even to myself. I'm scared. I'm sad. I wonder.

Soon I will lay my head on my pillow and say my own nightly prayers. For strength, wisdom, calmness, resolution. For me. For others. I pray. I will sleep. I will wake. I will wonder. I will wait...I"m ready!


Alicia said...

You are one of the most amazing women I know (and I know many ;)
I love you!

Monica Ramsey said...

Amazing perspective. One day, when you've printed this blog for and your kids see your journey of life in their mother's own words... they will be so proud of you. Although, I'm sure you give them a lot to be grateful for, and proud of, in all of their yesterdays, todays, and tomorrows. Wishing you lots of luck for a quick and painless recovery!