So, I've had the "C" word now for almost 3 days. And in that time, I've cried alot and prayed alot. But I've also laughed alot. I'm lucky. This isn't life threatening.
When I talked to my best friend from High School Friday night, who is a breast cancer survivor and endured some of the worst challenges of anyone, I actually appologized to her. I told her that I almost felt bad about making such a big deal about my diagnosis when I should be so grateful to not have it in other parts of my body, to not have it be life threatening, etc. Her response was priceless,
"Cancer is the Fucking Devil! Just that word is. it doesn't matter what kind or where you have it. It's sucks and its scary. Don't appologize." And so I won't again.
There have been dozens of times in the last few days that I have gotten to giggling. Not about the kids doing something rediculously silly ( and there have been plenty of those) or because I witnessed something else funny ( and I have) but specifically in regards to the Cancer.
Just an hour or so after Brian got home Friday afternoon from work to be with me, he offered to put the kids, all 4 of them, down for naps. I agreed, even though I was totally capable of doing it. I said, "that would be great...because I have cancer." We laughed!
My underwear was riding up my ass as we were about to leave for my neice's birthday party. They were cute and not comfy. I looked at Bri and said, "screw it...I'm putting on my cotton Hanes Her Way." Brian looked at me and smiled, "because you have Cancer, right?" Absolutely.
And this past weekend I was supposed to be having a garage sale at my friends house. Thursday night I had pre-shopped and snagged a bunch of items from my friends I wanted for the kids. I owed money. Yesterday I stopped by before we headed out of town and asked how much I owed. My girlfriend told me it was no big deal. I looked at her and said, "you are just being nice because I have Cancer" We laughed.
I've gotten flowers left on my dinner table (thanks Liz) and tons of text messages and endless fb messages and e-mails in the past 3 days all because of of the cancer. And you know what? I'll take it! I'm not comfortable in the spotlight and being the one being cared for so I'm out of my comfort zone right now but it feels OK. It feels good, maybe.
I told my friend today on Facebook Chat that I feel so humbled by the comments I've been getting. All these people think I'm so strong and so awesome and telling me how wonderful I am. Its sort of out-of-body. Of course I think I'm pretty great most of the time but I don't always feel worthy of these kind words. And my friend responded back, "We all do think you are awesome and wonderful and you need to start realizing that anyone who's ever known you feels that way." SWEET!
So, I'm not going to say I'm going to milk this Cancer thing for a long time however when I need a backrub, there is no doubt I'll be laughing when I look at my sweet man and tell him I need it because I have cancer!
Thanks for your kindness and your love and your endless support. I need it, I want it, and I am so humbled and grateful for each of you in my life.
Tomorrow is a day of scheduling doctors appointments and enjoying the last three days of summer! Love you all!