Monday was one month since being diagnosed. I've felt off. Unbalanced. Dramatic. Depressed. Hyper focused. Happy. Scatterbrained. Sad. Confused. Loved. Supported. Lonely. All different emotions. All OK. Or as Brian says, "whatever you are feeling is what you should be feeling."
I've had so many friends come out of the wordwork to offer support and kind words. I've rekindled friendships I never thought I would and I cherish them and promise not to let them go again. I've been surprised who has offered support and who hasn't. Who's uncomfortable with my boldness and honestly and dramatics and who can handle it well. I understand both sides but the past month has been different for me.
Ive had a whoa is me week. Pitty Party. And really there is no reason for it. I should be happy. I have a new surgery date. My doctor confirmed my collarbone and lymph nodes feel clear. but still...I've been doing OneWeekBoutique for a week straight, never getting more than 4 hours of sleep a night, trying to maintain my super early runs, my home, my family, etc. I had a night out last week that left me sobbing and overwhelmed. I'm just alittle off my rocker lately. Distant with many. Needy and insecure with others.
And then today, my girlfriend Kristi text me to tell me she left something on my front porch. A brown paper bag. hmmmm....
Inside it was filled with all sorts of odd things that didn't seem to make alot of sense...some brownies, wine ( YEAH), a necklace, some dressing mix, and some ground chuck. huh? I bent over the bag in the living room and kept searching.
Then at the bottom of the bag I found a little pink scroll wrapped in yarn. Read it.
It brought me to my knees. It took my breath away and stung my eyes with tears. I sat on the ground and was grateful for this moment. Grateful for this bag of stuff. And I thought....After my TheBigCWord post and telling you all I had cancer I've thought alot about C words. And when a high school friend who has cancer now and is the strongest woman, biggest fighter and champion I know told me she never capitalized the word cancer because she doesn't want to give it any extra power, I thought even more about words and letters and what I want to focus on. And then this
All this stuff. For me. Cats on wine labels and chocolate, and chuck and a healing necklace and kind words, and sweet intentions and love, all wrapped up in a brown bag and delivered to my doorstep!
I'm so blessed. To have great friends who are thinking of me, even when I didn't know it. For simple days, long phone conversations with those I love, reconnecting with people, "me" nights away, getting support, offering support, and feeling love.
Thankyou Kristi! I needed it!