It is what it is...

It's naptime. The kids are snuggled in THEIR beds in THEIR bedroom fast asleep-safe and happy. I'm running around the house cleaning up the morning's messes and wishing I was capable of cleaning as a went. Dishes in the sink need to go to the dishwasher. A load of laundry crackles and spins in the dryer while another waits, wet in the washer. I set the table for dinner and prep a few items for our evening meal. I look at the calendar a few times and think about the week ahead. I put a few groceries on the on-going list on the fridge. I race around the house trying to get it all done so I can have a few minutes to myself to e-mail, check my favorite blogs, and try to stay connected.

As I wipe off the kitchen counters for what seems like the 100th time since 6AM, a feeling comes over me. Happiness. Contentment. Peace. I do wish I was cleaner and didn't have to race around the house all the time picking up things. I do wish I liked laundry. I hope Amara wakes up happy and that Alaric didn't pee his pants and bed. I hope Bri is having a good day. Those thoughts are there. But I feel like there is no other job in the world I'd rather be doing at this second that the one I am. Cleaning, caring, nurturing, loving, cooking, snuggling,...

I'm a stay-at- home mom and damn proud of it. My profession is the raising of my kids and the care of my home and if you've ever met my kids, you'll know I'm doing a pretty good job. If you've ever been in my house, you'll know it's not always clean but it's always warm, it's always safe, and it's almost always a happy place.

I love being here all day with my kids. I love having the freedom to go for nature walks or head to the library for new books or run errands or plan a playdate. I love that I get to see my children grow and develop each and everyday and that I am the one nurturing them all day long with questions, games, activities, songs, and more. I love that if the house is messy when Bri gets home from work, it's because we've been having too much fun or are too deep in a project to care about the messes and that he won't mind because we have stories to share, memories that were made, and pictures to post on this blog.

I'm content. I'm happy. I feel at peace with the job I've chosen and the work I do each day. Because of that, I'm scared out of my mind. Scared that I might have to work more than the one day I choose to now just to keep me going. I'm frightened I won't be home each day to see what my kids do and what they learned while they read a new book or dug in the dirt in the backyard. And I'm terrified that I may have to ask someone else to watch my kids for me...to do the job I want to do...just so I can do the job I have to do to keep things going.

Brian is on the job hunt. He's constantly looking, constantly searching, always talking to someone about a different opportunity. There is no doubt he'll find a job and no doubt he'll provide for this family. He feels the pressure and he wants to. But will it be enough? Will it fufill him and make him happy AND pay the bills and allow me to stay home? Who knows. Only time with tell.

For now, I stop. I look around. I listen to my babies breathing through their monitor as they sleep away the afternoon without a care in the world. I pray. I count my blessings. I sigh. I breath. I move on...the laundry needs to be switched, muffins need to be made, and there's plenty to do. My mantra these past 9 days...

"God only gives you what you can handle...this too shall pass...everything happens for a reason...God only gives you what you can handle...this too shall..."

Pray for us. Pray for Brian. Pray for my messy house and the endless loads of laundry. Pray for my babies and their health and happiness. Pray for the job I love each day and that Brian finds one too. Pray that we stay strong and HAPPY! It is what it is...hard, scary, and sad... but also so full of love, and laughter and sunshine. Pray there are more good days than bad and that my mantra serves its purpose.